Do you find yourself saying “I thought parenting would look different.”
Most parents enter parenthood with an idea of how things should be. They imagine the routines, the milestones, the parenting style they’ll use. Then reality hits—especially if you’re parenting a neurodivergent child or a child who has additional support needs.
Maybe your child refuses to sit at the dinner table. Maybe bedtime takes hours. Maybe they resist every simple request, struggle with emotional regulation, or seem to need way more support than other kids their age.
And that voice creeps in:
"Am I doing this wrong?""
Other kids don’t act like this...""
Why does everything feel harder than it should?"
Parenting a neurodivergent child means unlearning everything society has conditioned you to believe about what "good parenting" looks like.
It means recognising that your child’s brain works differently, and that parenting them the way they need—rather than the way the world expects—is not failing. It’s good parenting.
The ‘Shoulds’ Are Rooted in a Neurotypical World
The "shoulds" of parenting are built on neurotypical expectations.
Children should sit still at meals.
They should follow instructions immediately.
They should play independently but also be social.
They should manage their emotions with simple strategies.
They should learn from consequences.
But neurodivergent children often can’t meet these expectations—not because they won’t, but because their nervous system isn’t built the same way.
💡Why ‘Just Try Harder’ Doesn’t Work
Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory explains that our nervous system constantly shifts between safety, fight-or-flight, and shutdown. Neurodivergent children are often operating in a heightened state of stress—their fight-or-flight response is triggered more easily.
So when a child melts down over socks feeling wrong or shuts down when asked to do homework, it’s not defiance. It’s a nervous system reaction.
💡 Instead of asking ‘How do I make them behave?’ ask ‘How do I help them feel safe?’
This is where low-demand parenting can be a game-changer.
Low-Demand Parenting: It’s Not ‘Giving In’, It’s Meeting Your Child Where They Are
Low-demand parenting isn’t about removing all expectations. It’s about reducing unnecessary pressure so your child can engage in ways that feel safe and manageable.
What This Looks Like in Action:
✔ Offering choices instead of commands → “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after your story?”
✔ Lowering urgency of non-essential tasks → Will skipping a coat really matter? Let natural consequences teach them instead.
✔ Building trust before making demands → “Let’s have a cuddle before we get ready.”
✔ Using indirect approaches → “I wonder if your shoes will feel comfy today” instead of “Put on your shoes.”
🔗 Research backs this up: Dr. Mine Conkbayir’s work on co-regulation highlights that children can’t self-regulate until they experience safety in relationships. That means your calm presence is more powerful than any consequence or reward chart.
Letting Go of the Guilt: Parenting ‘Differently’ Isn’t Wrong
Society might tell you that "kids should toughen up" or that adapting to your child’s needs is making excuses. But neurodivergent parenting isn’t about making excuses—it’s about making accommodations so your child can thrive.
How to Reframe the ‘Shoulds’ in Parenting
❌ "They should be able to handle this."
✅ "Their nervous system is telling me this is too much for them right now."
❌ "I should be firmer and more consistent."
✅ "Connection, not control, will help them feel safe enough to engage."
❌ "If I let them do things their way, they’ll never learn."
✅ "Supporting them now builds skills and confidence for later."
You Are Not Failing—You Are Parenting for Who Your Child Is
Parenting a neurodivergent child isn’t about fixing them. It’s about understanding them.
It’s about letting go of the guilt, the comparisons, the pressure to parent a way that doesn’t work for your child.
Because when we work with our child’s brain instead of against it, we reduce stress, meltdowns, and frustration—for both parent and child.
🌟 You’re not failing—you’re adapting to your child’s needs. And that is enough. 💛
📌 Sign up to Download a free copy of my Neurodiversity Parenting Activity Guide for strategies that actually work.
📌 If your teen has just been diagnosed with ADHD, my self-paced online course, ADHD & Me, is designed to help them understand their ADHD, recognise how it affects their daily life, and discover strategies that actually work for them.
🔗 Research & Further Reading
📚 Polyvagal Theory & Emotional Regulation
– Dr. Stephen Porges
📚 Co-Regulation & Emotional Development
– Dr. Mine Conkbayir
📚 Low-Demand Parenting & Demand Avoidance
