What is ADHD coaching?

ADHD coaching offers structured, practical support to help you manage executive functioning, emotional regulation, and life’s daily demands. It’s focused on action, not just awareness — helping you build systems that work with your brain.

Do I need a formal diagnosis to work with you?

No diagnosis needed. I work with diagnosed, self-identified, and questioning clients. If you're neurodivergent — or think you might be — you're welcome here.

What’s the difference between coaching and therapy?

Therapy often looks to the past to heal. Coaching helps you look ahead — supporting motivation, boundaries, planning, and burnout recovery. Coaching can complement therapy, but it isn’t a replacement.

Who do you work with?

I specialise in supporting neurodivergent adults — especially parents, professionals, and business owners — who feel overwhelmed or stuck. If you're juggling too much and need sustainable support, I can help.

What happens in a discovery call?

It’s a free 45-minute session to explore what’s not working and where you need support. No pressure, no sales tactics — just a chance to see if coaching feels right for you.

What is ADHD coaching?

ADHD coaching provides practical support, tools, and accountability to help manage executive functioning, emotional regulation, and daily challenges — especially for late-diagnosed adults.

Do I need a diagnosis to work with you?

No. I work with diagnosed, self-identified, and questioning clients. If you relate to the challenges, you’re welcome here.

What’s the difference between therapy and coaching?

Therapy focuses on healing and mental health. Coaching focuses on goals, action, and sustainable change. I work alongside therapy, not instead of it.

Parenting a Neurodivergent Child: Why Standard Parenting Advice Doesn't Work

Sarah Hardy
6 days ago
5 min read

Do you find yourself saying “I thought parenting would look different.”

Your child refuses to sit at the dinner table. Bedtime takes three hours. Simple requests trigger meltdowns that last for forty minutes. You've tried reward charts, consequences, the gentle parenting scripts everyone swears by — none of it works.

The problem isn't your parenting. The problem is that every strategy you've been given assumes your child's nervous system works like a neurotypical child's. It doesn't.

Parenting a neurodivergent child — whether they have ADHD, autism, PDA, or a combination — means recognising that standard parenting advice was designed for brains that process the world differently to your child's. What looks like defiance is often a nervous system under threat. What looks like manipulation is often a child doing the only thing that feels manageable in that moment.

This isn't about lowering your expectations or "giving in." It's about understanding how your child's brain actually functions, and adjusting your approach accordingly.

Why Neurotypical Parenting Strategies Fail Neurodivergent Children

Most parenting advice is built on neurotypical assumptions about how children learn, regulate emotions, and respond to consequences.

The standard expectations:

Children should sit still during meals
They should follow instructions after one or two reminders
They should manage disappointment without major emotional reactions
They should learn from consequences
They should respond to reward charts and praise

But neurodivergent children often can't meet these expectations — not because they're being difficult, but because their nervous systems are wired differently.

The Nervous System Explanation

Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, explains why consequences and reward charts often fail for neurodivergent children. The theory describes how our autonomic nervous system operates in three states:

Ventral vagal (safe and social): The child can think, learn, connect, and respond to reason. This is where consequences, conversations, and problem-solving actually work.

Sympathetic (fight or flight): The child's body perceives threat. They might argue, refuse, run away, or lash out. Logic and reasoning don't work here because the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that handles planning, empathy, and decision-making — is offline.

Dorsal vagal (shutdown): The child's system has moved past fight-or-flight into collapse. They might seem disconnected, unresponsive, or like they "don't care." They're not being defiant. Their nervous system has shut down to protect them.

Here's what this means in practice: When your child melts down over socks feeling wrong, or shuts down when asked to do homework, they're not choosing to be difficult. Their nervous system has detected a threat (sensory overwhelm, demand overload, unpredictability) and responded accordingly.

Telling them to "calm down," "think about their choices," or "use their words" is asking them to access parts of their brain that aren't available when they're dysregulated.

What Low-Demand Parenting Actually Means

Low-demand parenting isn't about removing all expectations or avoiding boundaries. It's about reducing unnecessary pressure so your child can engage with the world in ways that feel safe and manageable to their nervous system.

This approach is particularly relevant for children with pathological demand avoidance (PDA), but it's useful for any neurodivergent child who struggles with perceived demands or control.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Offering choices instead of instructions Instead of: "Put your shoes on, we're leaving in five minutes." Try: "Which shoes feel okay today — trainers or boots?"

This shifts the interaction from a demand (which might trigger fight-or-flight) to collaboration (which keeps the child's nervous system in a safer state).

Reducing urgency around non-essential tasks Ask yourself: Does this actually matter right now? If your child refuses to wear a coat, will they genuinely be harmed, or will natural consequences (feeling cold) teach them more effectively than a battle?

Picking fewer battles doesn't mean you're failing as a parent. It means you're prioritising connection and nervous system safety over compliance.

Building connection before making requests "Let's have a cuddle before we get ready" or "Can I sit with you whilst you brush your teeth?" signals safety before introducing a demand. Dr Mona Delahooke's research on co-regulation shows that children can't move into a calm, receptive state without first experiencing safety in relationship.

Using indirect language Direct demands can feel threatening to a dysregulated nervous system. Indirect approaches soften the perceived pressure:

"I wonder if your body needs breakfast yet" instead of "Come and eat breakfast"
"The bathroom's free if you need it" instead of "Go and brush your teeth"

This isn't manipulation. It's meeting your child's nervous system where it actually is, rather than where you wish it was.

Reframing the "Shoulds" of Parenting

Society tells you that adapting to your child's needs is making excuses. That "kids should toughen up." That if you don't enforce consequences consistently, your child will never learn.

But neurodivergent parenting isn't about making excuses. It's about making accommodations so your child can function without their nervous system being in a constant state of threat.

Common Reframes

"They should be able to handle this by now"

Reframe: Their nervous system is telling me this is too much for them right now. Pushing through won't build resilience — it will deepen the stress response.

"If I adapt everything to suit them, they'll never cope in the real world"

Reframe: Teaching them to understand their own nervous system now gives them tools to advocate for themselves later. I'm not removing challenges — I'm teaching them how to navigate challenges without collapsing.

"Other parents don't have to do this"

Reframe: Other parents aren't parenting my child. Comparing my child to neurotypical children tells me nothing useful about what my child needs.

"I should be more consistent with consequences"

Reframe: Consistency matters, but not if I'm consistently using strategies that dysregulate my child's nervous system. Connection builds behaviour change more effectively than control.

When You're a Neurodivergent Parent Yourself

Parenting a neurodivergent child whilst managing your own ADHD or autism adds another layer of complexity. You might struggle with:

Emotional regulation when your child is dysregulated
Executive function challenges (planning meals, managing routines, keeping track of school requirements)
Sensory overwhelm from your child's noise, demands, or physical needs
Guilt about not being the calm, regulated parent you think you should be

If you're finding it difficult to regulate your own nervous system whilst supporting your child's, ADHD coaching can help you develop strategies that work for both of you. You can't co-regulate your child if you're constantly dysregulated yourself.

This Isn't About Fixing Your Child

Parenting a neurodivergent child isn't about making them behave like neurotypical children. It's about understanding how their brain and nervous system work, and creating an environment where they can function without being in a constant state of fight, flight, or shutdown.

When you reduce demands, build connection before making requests, and work with your child's nervous system rather than against it, you're not failing. You're parenting the child you have, not the child you expected.

That's not low standards. It's good parenting.