Parenting a Child with ADHD: Understanding Meltdowns, Developmental Delay, and Parenting Strategies
- Sarah Hardy
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
TLDR;
ADHD isn’t about being “naughty” or “hard work.” Children with ADHD are often around 30% behind in key skills like focus, impulse control, and emotional regulation. For example, a 4-year-old with ADHD may only have the self-control and attention span of a 2½-year-old — even if they’re ahead of their peers in talking, reading, or other areas. This uneven development can be confusing and frustrating, especially when one parent adapts and the other expects “age-appropriate” behaviour. The key is consistency, teamwork, and adjusting expectations to where your child’s brain is — not just their age.
Parenting any child is tough, but when your child has ADHD it can feel like the rulebook gets thrown out the window. One of the hardest parts isn’t even your child, it’s the way people around you react.
Sometimes one parent is trying so hard to learn, adapt, and meet their child’s needs, while the other parent struggles to see ADHD as anything more than “challenging behaviour.”
That difference in approach can be heartbreaking and exhausting.
ADHD Isn’t About Being “Hard Work”
Children with ADHD aren’t “difficult kids.”
What makes life hard is society’s expectations, other people’s lack of understanding, and the pressure parents feel to make their child “fit in.”
Your child isn’t broken. They just need parenting that matches the way their brain works.
ADHD and Developmental Delays: Why 30% Matters
A really helpful way to understand ADHD is to think about developmental delay in executive functioning skills.
Research shows children with ADHD are often about 30% behind their peers in certain skills.
That means:
A 4-year-old with ADHD may only have the focus, impulse control, and self-monitoring skills you’d expect from a 2½-year-old.
A 9-year-old might only have emotional regulation skills you’d expect from a 6-year-old.
A 13-year-old could read like a 17-year-old, yet still manage emotions or impulsivity like a 9-year-old.
This mismatch is confusing. Adults see a child who’s clever, articulate, or advanced in some areas and assume they should be able to “act their age” across the board. But brains don’t work like that — especially ADHD brains.
Parenting Challenges When Parents See ADHD Differently
If you’re the parent who feels frustrated and often thinks, “They should know better by now,” pause for a moment.
Ask yourself:
👉 What would my expectations be if they were 30% younger?
That simple calculation can help reset your expectations and avoid unnecessary frustration.
If you’re the parent doing the research, learning about ADHD, and trying to support your child differently, this perspective can ease some guilt. You’re not “going soft” or “making excuses”, you’re parenting your child according to where their brain is really at, not just the number on their birthday cake.
Reframing ADHD Struggles: Hard Work vs Hard Time
When one parent is adapting and the other is more dismissive, it creates a tug-of-war. Often, one parent ends up doing double the work, meeting their child’s needs while also trying to prevent the other parent from stepping in with punishment, anger, or unrealistic expectations.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about recognising that consistency matters more than anything else. Children thrive when both parents are on the same page.
One of the most powerful things a parent can do is step back and really listen not just to their child, but to their co-parent. That shared understanding makes the difference between conflict and teamwork.
Recap
Parenting an ADHD child is hard sometimes.
It can be lonely.
It can be exhausting.
But the challenge isn’t your child. The challenge is the world not understanding your child.
Your child needs both parents to see them clearly not as “naughty” or “lazy,” but as a child whose brain works differently.
When you parent with that in mind, you don’t just manage behaviour. You build self-esteem, trust, and resilience.
Helpful Starting Points for Parents
If you’re just beginning this journey, here are some simple, accessible resources:.
ADDitude Magazine – Easy-to-read articles, tips, and real parent stories.
YoungMinds ADHD Guide – Support and advice for parents in the UK.
Understood.org – Practical advice for parents navigating ADHD and learning differences.
If ADHD is affecting your family life, coaching can help you find strategies that work: Book a Free Discover Call today.
ADHD Parenting Strategies: Letting Go of Judgment
If you’d like more practical ADHD parenting strategies, sign up to my free guide.
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