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Why Eye Contact Feels Exhausting for ADHD & Neurodivergent People

Writer's picture: Sarah HardySarah Hardy

Updated: 6 days ago

Recently, I had my first in-person ADHD coaching session in a long time, and I was reminded of just how much energy it takes to operate in the “real world” compared to working from home or using Zoom.


During the session, I noticed something: I had to remind my coachee that I don’t naturally make consistent eye contact—especially during coaching.

My focus is on actively listening, and maintaining socially expected eye contact takes up too much mental energy, leaving me drained.

This moment left me reflecting on why eye contact is so exhausting for neurodivergent individuals, and why we feel pressured to conform to it in the first place.


Why is Eye Contact Hard for Neurodivergent People?


🔎 Research shows that autistic and ADHD brains process eye contact differently. Studies using fMRI scans have found that eye contact activates the subcortical system, which can trigger heightened neural activity and stress responses in neurodivergent individuals. (Hadjikhani et al., 2017)

💡 For many of us, maintaining eye contact isn’t automatic—it’s an active process that requires energy and focus.


ADHD, Autism & Eye Contact: What’s Happening in the Brain?

1️⃣ Executive Function Load – Eye contact requires processing multiple cues at once, which can be overwhelming for ADHD brains already managing sensory input.

2️⃣ Hyperfocus vs. Listening Mode – Many neurodivergent people actually listen better when NOT making eye contact because it reduces distraction.

3️⃣ Masking & Social Expectations – Many ADHDers and autistic individuals force themselves to make eye contact to appear more “normal” in social settings, leading to burnout.


The Pressure to Conform to Social Norms

Society conditions us to believe that “good eye contact” = confidence, attentiveness, and honesty. But for neurodivergent people, this expectation often leads to masking—suppressing natural behaviours to meet social standards.


📌 Did you know? A 2021 study found that masking in neurodivergent individuals is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout. (Bradley et al., 2021)

💭 So why do we force ourselves to meet expectations that don’t actually serve us?

This realisation hit me hard. I spend so much time creating safe spaces for my coaching clients, but in that moment, I realised—I need to create a safe space for myself, too.


How to Navigate Social Expectations While Staying True to Yourself


Instead of forcing eye contact, here’s what I’ve found helpful:

Acknowledge Your Needs – If eye contact drains you, give yourself permission to prioritise listening instead.

Communicate Clearly – Let others know what works for you: “I’m listening, even if I’m not looking directly at you.”

Challenge Social Norms – Not every expectation is necessary. Question whether it actually benefits you or if it’s just habit.

Self-Compassion is Key – You don’t need to mask to be valid. Your way of communicating is just as meaningful as anyone else’s.


Let’s Talk About It


This experience was a powerful reminder that I don’t have to conform to every social expectation to be an effective coach, communicator, or person.

💬 How do you balance the expectations of others with showing up as your authentic self?


📥 Struggling with decision fatigue from these constant social pressures? Grab my FREE Decision Fatigue Workbook to start lightening your mental load today! 






Close-up of a woman’s eye with long lashes and well-groomed eyebrow, showing neutral expression. Background is light gray.


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